What do funeral directors not tell you?

Editorial team Published on

Funeral directors are business professionals who may not always volunteer cost-saving options or legal minimums.

Embalming is Rarely Required

  • Not a legal rule: Embalming is generally not required by law unless holding a public viewing after an extended period or for international transport.
  • Refrigeration alternative: Many funeral homes can refrigerate a body instead of requiring chemical embalming for short-term arrangements.

You Can Buy Caskets Elsewhere

  • Third-party savings: You can purchase caskets and urns online through retailers like Walmart or Costco or directly from manufacturers for a fraction of showroom prices.
  • No extra fees: Under consumer protection rules, funeral providers legally cannot refuse an outside casket or charge an assembly or handling fee for it.

A Casket Is Not Required for Cremation

  • Alternative containers: State or local laws do not require a traditional casket for cremation.
  • Cardboard boxes: Funeral homes offering cremation must make simple alternative containers, such as unfinished wood boxes or heavy cardboard containers, available to you.

You Have a Right to Itemized Pricing

  • General Price List (GPL): By law, funeral homes must provide a written, itemized GPL over the phone or in person before you select services.
  • No forced packages: You do not have to buy standard service packages that include unwanted extras like limousines, extra viewing hours, or specialized outer burial containers.

Veterans Are Eligible for Free Burial

  • VA National Cemeteries: Honorably discharged veterans qualify for a free gravesite, vault or liner, opening and closing of the grave, a government-provided marker, and perpetual care at any Veterans Affairs National Cemetery.
  • Spouse eligibility: Spouses and dependent children may also qualify for burial benefits in national veterans cemeteries.

Why do they cover your face before closing the casket?

Funeral directors cover a person's face with a sheer cloth, veil, or paper barrier before closing the casket to protect the makeup from staining the interior lining and to soften the final goodbye for family members.

Practical and Protective Reasons

  • Preventing Stains: Cosmetics, natural oils, and facial lotions can easily rub off and stain the delicate cap panel or fabric on the inside lid of the casket.
  • Tight Clearances: Modern caskets have very tight interior spaces, meaning the lid's velvet lining passes within fractions of an inch of the face. A protective layer stops makeup from smudging during the final seal.
  • Securing Features: Placing a light cloth over the upper body keeps hair and garments neatly in place if the casket shifts slightly during transport to the hearse.

Emotional and Traditional Reasons

  • A Softer Farewell: Watching a hard lid close directly over a loved one's face can feel harsh and abrupt. A veil or soft overlay blurs the final view, creating a more peaceful and gentle transition.
  • Religious Customs: Some cultural and religious traditions require a shroud, veil, or cloth over the face as a final mark of respect or to symbolize a burial shroud.

Why shouldn't you go home after a funeral?

Not going straight home after a funeral is an old custom meant to shake off lingering spirits or create an emotional break from grief.

Cultural Superstitions and "Pagpag"

  • The Pagpag Tradition: In the Philippines, a practice called pagpag (which means "to dust off") requires people to stop at a store, restaurant, or gas station before returning home.
  • Confusing Spirits: People believe that a ghost or bad energy from the wake might follow you. Stopping somewhere else tricks or loses the spirit so it does not enter your house.
  • Changing Routes: Some global traditions also suggest taking a different route home than the one you used to get to the cemetery, for the same reason.

Psychological and Practical Reasons

  • Creating a Buffer: Many people use the post-funeral reception or meal as a transition space. It moves you slowly from the heavy sadness of the service back to everyday life.
  • Decompressing: Stopping with others allows you to talk, eat, and release stress before facing an empty or quiet house.

What are common red flags when choosing a funeral director?

Common red flags when choosing a funeral director include vague pricing, high-pressure sales tactics, and a lack of empathy or professionalism.

Pricing and Transparency Issues

  • Refusing price lists: A refusal to provide a written General Price List (GPL) upon request violates consumer protection laws like the FTC Funeral Rule.
  • Vague or package-only costs: Quoting only all-inclusive packages without offering a clear, itemized breakdown of individual services and products.
  • Hidden fees or evasiveness: Hesitating to answer direct questions about costs over the phone or adding unexpected charges later.

Pressure and Behavioral Tactics

  • High-pressure sales: Pushing you into hasty decisions, immediate deposits, or expensive upgrades like premium caskets.
  • Emotional manipulation: Using guilt or subtle manipulation to make you feel bad for choosing affordable options.
  • Rushing the process: Impatience or forcing you through arrangement meetings instead of giving you time to grieve and think.

Professionalism and Etiquette

  • Disrespectful language: Referring to the deceased strictly as "the body" or "the remains" rather than using their actual name.
  • Poor communication: Consistently unreturned phone calls, vague answers about where care or cremation takes place, or missing licenses on display.
  • Outdated or unsanitary facilities: Reluctance to let you tour the facility, or visible neglect and poor upkeep in working areas. Most users on Reddit agree that extreme cost-cutting leading to worn-out tools or unclean prep rooms indicates poor operational standards.

What funeral homes won't tell you?

Funeral homes are required by the San Diego Memorial Society to provide itemized written price lists, but they often omit or downplay cost-saving options.

Hidden Pricing and Products

  • Low-cost caskets: Affordable options are often kept in the back or hidden in the basement if not shown on the main display floor.
  • Protective seals: Caskets with rubber gaskets do not stop decomposition and can trap gases, making them an unnecessary extra expense.
  • Alternative containers: You do not need to buy a casket for direct cremation; a simple cardboard or alternative container is legally sufficient.
  • Online purchases: You can buy caskets and urns online from third-party retailers without paying extra fees to the funeral home.

Required vs. Optional Services

  • Embalming: This process is optional and rarely required by law within the first 24 hours.
  • Packages: Bundled packages often include unwanted services; you have the right to request an itemized list to pay only for what you need.
  • Basic services: You can choose a trustworthy establishment like Veterans Funeral Care that provides full transparency on optional versus required fees.

5 Things Funeral Directors Don't Want You To Know | #TheTea | #SouthernLiving

9 related questions found

Why do they cross your hands in a casket?

Funeral directors position hands and arms to create a peaceful, restful appearance that mimics a natural sleeping posture.

Reasons for Hand Positioning

  • Rest and Peace: Folding the hands gently over the abdomen or lower chest represents a calm, sleeping state.
  • Ring Display: Placing the left hand over the right hand historically helps display a wedding ring for family and visitors to see.
  • Practical Fit: True "X" style crossed arms over the chest are rare today because they cause elbows to stick out and push against the casket sides; modern positioning usually places hands near the waist or belly to fit the body's shoulder width naturally.
  • Muscle Control: Because post-death muscle stiffening or relaxation prevents the body from staying naturally posed, funeral directors use gentle adjustments and supports like cotton padding to keep the hands in place.

What funeral directors don't want you to know?

Funeral directors operate commercial businesses that prioritize profit, meaning certain consumer rights and lower-cost alternatives are frequently omitted during the arrangement process.

Embalming and Caskets

  • Embalming is optional: The process is rarely required by law if burial or cremation happens within 24 to 48 hours.
  • Third-party caskets are allowed: Funeral providers legally cannot refuse or charge an extra fee to handle a casket or urn bought from an outside vendor or online.
  • Seals do not preserve bodies: Airtight or rubber-gasket "protective" caskets do not stop decomposition and can trap gases.
  • Affordable options exist: Modest caskets cost significantly less than luxury models, and alternative cardboard containers can be used for direct cremation.

Services and Pricing

  • A la carte purchasing: Consumers do not have to buy pre-packaged service bundles and have the right to pick and choose individual itemized options.
  • No body required: Viewings and memorial services can take place without the deceased present, saving on mortician and preparation fees.
  • Shopping around saves money: Prices vary drastically between providers, and comparing itemized General Price Lists (GPL) can save thousands of dollars.

When a person passes away, do they know?

Science and medical research show that awareness can briefly persist for a few seconds to a couple of minutes after the heart stops beating and breathing ceases.

What Science and Medicine Say

  • Brief Brain Activity: Studies on cardiac arrest and near-death experiences indicate that a surge of electrical activity can happen in the brain right as life ends.
  • Short Window of Awareness: Research suggests a person may remain conscious for about 2 to 20 seconds, and sometimes up to a few minutes, after clinical death is declared.
  • Lucid Accounts: Some patients who are revived after cardiac arrest report clear, vivid awareness and out-of-body perceptions while they were considered clinically dead. Read more about the science of near-death experiences to understand how researchers study this transition.

Before Passing Away

  • Intuition: Many dying individuals show a deep internal awareness that their time is short, often talking about leaving or feeling their body shut down.
  • Visions: Hospice workers and nurses frequently note that people nearing the end often speak about seeing deceased relatives or feeling comforted in their final weeks.

Perspectives on the Afterlife

  • Mixed Beliefs: Opinions on whether a person retains consciousness long-term after death vary widely.
  • On the Reddit Grief Support Forum, users have mixed opinions: some believe consciousness continues in a spiritual realm, while others view death as a peaceful, unconscious state.

Why do you have to shower after a funeral?

Taking a bath after a funeral is a common practice rooted in both traditional spiritual beliefs and practical hygiene.

Cultural and Spiritual Purification

  • Rinsing Impurity: Many cultures and religions view death as a state of ritual or spiritual impurity. Taking a bath cleanses the body and resets one's spiritual balance after encountering death.
  • Releasing Negative Energy: Traditional beliefs in practices like Hinduism suggest that cremation grounds and mourning spaces hold heavy sorrow or lingering energies. Bathing helps clear these heavy or distressing feelings from the mind and body.

Practical Health and Hygiene

  • Washing Away Microbes: In historical times without modern sanitation, bathing immediately after a funeral protected people from invisible germs. Decomposing organic matter or crowded public gatherings can expose skin, hair, and clothing to bacteria or smoke particles.
  • Preventing Illness: Soap and water remove physical contaminants picked up at the burial or cremation site, lowering the risk of spreading illness to other household members.

Emotional Transition

  • Sign of Respect: Washing up is often seen as a mark of respect for the departed and a way to transition back into daily life.
  • Providing Relief: The physical act of a warm shower or bath relaxes stressed muscles and offers a moment of quiet relief during the grieving process.

Has anyone woken up during cremation?

No one has ever woken up or regained consciousness inside an active cremation furnace.

Modern forensic medicine and funeral directors confirm that it is impossible for a living person to be placed into a modern retort (cremation chamber) and survive or wake up, due to standard verification procedures, cooling/refrigeration delays, and the rapid, extreme heat. However, there are rare, documented instances of people mistakenly declared dead who were found alive just before cremation began.

Misdiagnosis and Pre-Cremation Discoveries

  • The Coffin Knocking Incidents: There have been real cases where individuals mistakenly pronounced dead started moving or making noise before entering the fire. For example, a bedridden woman in Thailand was placed in a coffin and brought to a temple for cremation, but woke up and began knocking on the coffin after relatives heard sounds.
  • Funeral Home Interventions: Staff at funeral homes or holding facilities have occasionally discovered a pulse or breathing hours after a mistaken pronouncement by a care facility or non-medical official.
  • Underlying Causes: These errors typically stem from severe medical conditions like profound hypothermia, catatonia, or metabolic comas (such as hypoglycemic comas) that drastically slow down vital signs to a level that standard manual checks fail to detect.

Common Cremation Myths

  • "Screaming" or "Sitting Up": Viral internet rumors claim that bodies sit up, box the air, or scream inside the furnace. Funeral directors explain that intense heat causes muscle proteins to contract (forcing limbs into a "pugilistic stance") and escaping steam or expanding gases to pass over the vocal cords, producing groans or hissing—purely mechanical reactions that happen strictly after death.